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  • Writer's pictureCaitlin Lewis

Boating with your spouse. Zero out of Five Stars. Would not recommend.

Updated: Jul 11

Marriage, they say, is like setting sail on a lifelong voyage with your partner. If that's true, then boating together is the ultimate test of your marital sea legs. Picture this: two people in a confined space, with your kids, navigating waters, what a disaster waiting to happen. If you didn't want a divorce you will after your first launch of the boat at the state launch.


In theory, every boat needs a captain and a first mate. In practice, this means one person gets to shout orders while the other person pretends to listen. My husband and I do not work like that. We are both strong type “A” personalities. And if you don't know what that means, neither of us are ever wrong, EVER.


Prep the Day :


The days starts with him going out to “prep” the boat. AKA wash, detail, compound, scrub basically one step away from making love to the boat.


Now I know you're all thinking “Why?, why do this the morning of ?”


Well that's the same thing I ask every F**KING time.


He claims its only going to take me 20 min.


In the meantime I am packing, making lunches, food, remembering anything and everything because for sure I'll forget the one thing this asshole needs on the boat. As I get directions from him we are hitting the launch by 11:00, get the shit together. It is 10:20 at this point. Im a packed and waiting. He is still washing and cleaning. Fast Forward to 11:25, still not done. Now pissed because the launch will be packed. He is pissed he only got half the cleaning done. The family loads in the truck each one of us stressed and pissed for a lovely day on the lake.


Arrive at the Launch:


As we head over the bridge and look over the launch, it is complete shit show. 90% of the people have no knowledge about backing up a trailer, proper docking and launching, or really how not to be a idiot on the boat launch. So we bring the trailer around I jump out grab the ropes and wait as we watch the other couple launch ( This is the best, it makes you feel better about your launching skills)


We are actually really good at launching the boat so this part normally goes ok. He parks, jumps in the boat and we head out. He is normally stressed out by this time. But the kids are pumped and want to go tubing or to the cove. Which drives him a little crazy, so we have to take a little cruise around the lake so he can be happy the boat floats !


Boating with your spouse

Anchoring in the Cove:


Now this is where is gets good, I don't know how many times we have to do this to realize we are not for this. Together we are not able to handle this. We slowly approach the cove.


As he talks to himself “ Ok, the cove isn't that packed today. Ok, Ok we are gonna get a good spot! ” Almost prepping himself.


Then we get closer and at that point I am in the cuddy scrambling to find the anchor because smart us we didn't see if it was even in there! I find it, pull it out.


Show him, only quickly to be told “ WRONG ONE ! ”.


Shit ok , we are getting closer !!!! Back throwing shit everywhere. Screaming at him “WHAT F**KING ONE!”’


His response, “ We have done this 30 times, how do you not know what anchor” ..... FOUND IT !


Ok , jump on the deck of the boat, he shuts the engine off, dives in trying to swing the boat in backwards basically drowning as I watch from above ( Listen, I know what your thinking, I’d save him if needed)


I throw the anchor out he sets it, I dive in the back and try to hold the boat from crashing into other boats. As the kids munch on Twizzlers and chips.


Ok, we made it.


Turn the music on. Lets chill. We are annoyed at each other so obviously not talking and giving each a mean side eye. A few cocktails later we are good.


Now it's time to go. He starts panicking immeditaly, barking orders. He yells to me " Pull the anchor straight up NOW !!!!


So, I do that. But without thought, pulling the anchor coated in mud and seaweed right on the deck. “ What the fk! Who pulls an anchor with shit on it on the boat! Clean it off.” I scream back “ You f**king told me to pull it fast and straight up! “


At that point we are floating almost in the other boats, I am on the top of the boat. He turns and on and rolls! Don't mind me as a fall back with the dirty anchor ! He proclaims , “That's it, we are done for the day” So we all sit there quietly not speaking to each other.

Pull the boat in to the dock, trailer the boat and we all load into the truck.


We aren't speaking. Pull out of the launch and take the drive home silent. As he says “ Well it wasn't a bad day ”. In my brain “ WHERE THE F**K WERE YOU?, WERE WE NOT ON THE SAME BOAT?”


Home:


We arrive home. Go our separate ways and call it a win.


Boating with your spouse. Zero out of Five Stars. Would not recommend. Find a friend with a boat.


PS: Many boat launches later, we are not divorced.

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